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Children who fight

It is said that we can avoid outbreaks if we have learned to put words into emotions. Outbreaks of course come for various reasons, but maybe they usually happen when the words are not enough, when everything just as well as explodes inboard without the tools to handle it is available? Children who fight are not easy. (Or is it our way of seeing what is the problem ..?)

Angry children and children who are arguing?

Anger or being able to get angry is important. We get angry if we are treated unfairly, if we feel that we are at a disadvantage, get hounded or physically or verbally. Many can also get angry from hearing or seeing something that goes against a principle they hold on to. Anger is a feeling that signals to us that we need to gather power to change or correct. This way, anger can act as a problem solver or a starter. It is there to help us.

Anger is necessary, but for those who have difficulty controlling it, it can be a problem.

- It is also important that parents can "bear" the child's feelings and help the child get to know their feeling and endure it. “It doesn't burst even though you get really sad right now, it is going. I can help you carry it. ” says Petra Boman, neuropsychologist (source: According to Petra, we must be better at putting words into the emotions and analyzing the outbreaks in order to be able to avoid them.

Everyone who lives with children knows that it is not easy. So much more than the child's feelings play into everyday life and we are not always succeeded in what we really know is good and functioning. Angry children become angry adults ..

BUP writes: “During growing up, you usually need help from parents or other adults to regulate and take care of your strong feelings. Some people have more difficulty than others to control their anger. It can be both about getting angry in situations where there is really no reason to get angry and that you overreact and get excessively angry in situations when it doesn't really become what you want. Some people have a very hard time stopping their anger outbreaks. Having problems with controlling one's anger often has consequences in relationships with other people. This can, for example, lead to people in one's surroundings being scared or pulling away. Anyone who has had an outbreak can also have feelings of guilt and feel bad about having behaved badly. "

There are, of course, many situations where professional help is necessary. Then, for example, BUP is an alternative. But anger, and even outbreaks, we all go through in periods of life and it talks about something for us. Angry children tell us something.

- Anger is an important feeling for children. It expresses the child's integrity, needs and willpower. The child who is not allowed to show anger often grows up to a person who cannot handle frustration. Or that can't get angry, just sad, and see himself as a victim, says Jana Söderberg, conversation therapist in psychosynthesis and author of the book "Dare to be" (Source:

“Sometimes we don't understand our child's anger, we think it is excessive or baseless. Either we get angry ourselves, or we do everything to make the child in a good mood again. " says Jana.

And surely we recognize it? Maybe we really understand, but every now and then it seems so unnecessary to scream over a small ice cream (or whatever it is). Then we really have to be "adult enough" to grasp what it is really about. Screaming back works as rarely ..

"If we dare to meet emotions without immediately trying to deal with them in different ways, we can also stop feeling responsibility for our children to be 100 percent happy all the time." Jana says further and this at least tells me so much about how I work in different situations. When I am tired and the patience is low, I easier to try to adjust and "fix". A so -called quick fix, such as lighter bribes and awkward attempts to rationalize is close at hand. If, on the other hand, I am more stable and safe, I have much easier to understand where the child's feeling comes from and how to give response to them. Maybe it's good to be in what feels for a while. Maybe I don't have to replace what feels with anything else (according to the template) more positively.

Angry adult, angry child?

Anger is probably difficult just because it triggers a lot in many of us. Strong emotions and loud sounds do not often do it. Screaming back or at least raising the voice is an impulse that we may not be able to stop. In theory yes, but there and then many people feel that it is extremely difficult.

What can we do to be better at responding to these strong feelings? "Not easy in a society where problems should be addressed as soon as possible, and where uncomfortable emotions are often seen as such a thing - problem." says Jana Söderberg. In other words, we have learned that we should remove what is difficult. Like quickly ..

In order not to act in affection, we need to become emotionally conscious ourselves. Only then can change occur. It is difficult to teach the children to become emotionally smart if we ourselves are not good at our emotions. We need to know what we are talking about to learn or support our children. But I think no parent is a professional from the start. Growing up and learning with the children is something most people do, whether we actually see it that way or not. Their journey is also ours and we can, with them next door, learn what we in the best of worlds would have learned before, so it is actually something very nice.

Also read Emotions that collide