On Tuesday, our psychologist Ida wrote about opportunities to listen. What occasions give you the best opportunity for you and your child to both listen and tell? In her blog post there are several good tips on just those occasions and how to create routines around everyday listening. Because sometimes we actually need to put things into systems for them to get rid of. That we actively set aside time to listen. If we do that, I think it will be easier for the child to come and tell when there is really something. They know that we are there and listen, regardless.
I also think about the lost occasions. All the times we realized in retrospect that "there I should have listened" and may have been hard to ourselves because we didn't. Because the opportunity passed us by. Are there ways to recreate the occasion? To say in retrospect "sorry, I was not attentive, do you want to tell again", or similar? In my head there are two answers to that question. Both yes and no. Some occasions will never come again, but maybe they show up in another form? And some times it works: What the child wanted to tell is just as close at hand when you ask if they want to tell again.
As always, I think it's about the whole. Those lost occasions are hurting when I have been for a period of time generally Bad at listening. On the other hand, if I have a period of much time to listen, when everyday life and routines around the listening and presence flow on, the conscience will not be as black because one Missed occasion.
The sum of that is that we often "hit ourselves" because of something bigger than what we think it is. If life flows at large, I have a greater understanding of my shortcomings, I guess. I do quite okay otherwise.
I think that that is exactly why Ida's list of examples of such occasions is important. We do not always think about everything, but it can be good to actively put things in systems. To make dinner for a while when we try to gather and actually see each other. Then if it works half of the times, it's okay. To make those conscious choices at least and show the children that the will and the heart are there. Then the lost times do not do much. They will know that we are there. (And through mistakes we show humanity!)
Something else that comes up on the subject of occasions to listen is all the times that were not obvious but when we had the opportunity to listen. All the times when we took the opportunity and created a situation - however impossible it was. Maybe you swung in with the car at the roadside because it simply could not be done otherwise - and listened. Maybe together you gave up the struggle to get away to school in a pile of jackets, bags and tears in the hall, so that nothing but stop everything and listen for a while meant something. We remember those moments and those moments probably stop both in the children's heart and in their memory - I, what I carry on, my feelings..pire something. With the ambition (which sometimes goes the way and sometimes not) to listen in everyday life and to create situations when we put other things aside to listen and with all the times when we stayed for a while in the middle of the impossible, I believe and hope that we do good. That it is good cornerstones for all the great people that come with feeling listened to.
I heard somewhere "listen to your children so that they can hear themselves" and think that it summarizes the importance of listening so nicely. We cannot capture all occasions, but we can create contexts around listening. We can dare to sacrifice to listen, even though all the must call.
I came across some thought -provoking words about listening in forskoletidningen.se: “Being able to listen is a good trait, to actually hear what someone says, take it and understand the message. We hear all the time, the ear takes sound even if we don't notice them, but we don't listen. To listen, we must focus on the sounds, hold back thoughts and talk and listen actively. Our brain needs to be trained to pay attention to the person talking and what is said. Another part of listening is to show the one who talks that we actually listen and are interested in what they say. For example, by nodding affirming to show that we agree. "
Listening is an active choice that we should perhaps practice. For many, the hearing will probably, ie more the registration of sound automatically.
What opportunities to listen (a little extra) do you have in everyday life? Is it something you consciously do and create room for? Have you ever changed your way of listening? So, for example, that has not been a particularly present listener to become more active listening? If so - what made you change? Do you have examples of a situation that has made you think? To go back and think about what happened?
Malin Ring writes in the same article: “We often tell children that they should listen to what we and the friends say. We expect them to do it actively. But do children know what it means to listen? Have they understood that there is a difference in hearing and listening? I think we can get pretty exciting conversations about this. We adults also need to be good role models. How good are we at listening to what the children tell? In a stressed existence, we have to think about whether we really do. "